I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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