I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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