they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I met the friendliest cop last night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
