so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
