The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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