Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
