i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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