Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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