i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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