dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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