her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
