There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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