U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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