I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
