I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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