can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
