Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
