everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
