i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
