Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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