I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
