He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
