Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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