I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
