So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
