Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
