the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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