Kiss
Puke
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
