it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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