New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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