dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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