Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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