I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
