So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
