I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
