The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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