my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
