So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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