I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
