you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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