everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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