maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Randomize
