is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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