I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
