And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
