so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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