omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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