The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
