Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
