I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
