My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
