I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
