mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I want is dick and wine.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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