Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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